Saturday, July 7, 2012

Something New

It's been a while since I wanted to write something that badly.

Last two weeks had been like hell for me. For the first time, I couldn't control my mind, my feeling or anything. I've never felt as bad as I felt these two weeks. It is torture to be forced to follow your mind's mood changing every 5 minutes, when it is calm or when it goes nuts.

After a while, I found out that the problem isn't a control failure, but it is a pain failure. I never felt such severe pain before. I had prepared for it for so long but never imagined it could be that hard.

Pain is totally uncontrollable. It hits you when you are the least vulnerable and when it is the least expected. After fighting pain for few days then ignoring it for another few days, I decided to give up the fight. Beside going to work, I did nothing. I went silent away from the world and let it go. When I am out of the mood, I am out of the mood. When I need a cry, I cry. I didn't fight it, or tried to control it and it was the solution for me.

After two weeks, pain didn't totally go away, but it isn't piling up any more. I know it will take time, and now I am fine with that and willing to give it all the time it needs to go away (if it will ever go away).

What I am relieved about now is that pain is reduced to the limit that allows me to do a small control over things (only to be able to function in away or another)

No matter how things are bad and painfull now, it is always good to know something new about yourself and learn how to deal with it.

A Note To Myself:
Next time you are in pain, just set back, hold still and feel the pain.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

I Miss You

This is my grandpa's second memorial. I don't believe it's been 2 years since then.

To tell the truth, he wasn't my favorite grandpa and I wasn't his favorite granddaughter but we had something in common that I never understood.

I still remember the day he went, all the small details. I never cried over someone as hard as I cried over him. I still remember all his talks and stories he used to tell us when we were children, and I still wonder if any of them is true :)

I will be forever thankfull for what I learnt from him. Noone is capable of teaching me what he tought me, and I don't think he ever realised it.

By his death, he gave the most important lesson. When your time come, only important people will there with you. Spend your time here on earth making sure that they will.

I miss you Grandpa :(