Sunday, April 25, 2010

Love Over The Years

"How do you know that you are in love?", a question I had been asked by myself and by some of my friends frequently.

I thought about it many times, and every time I had a new answer. I always thought it is a simple question with a simple answer but what I found is the complete opposite!!
The difficulty in finding the answer is that it differs from one to one. It differs based on your definition of love, and how you see your lover.

For me, I had different answers of this question, one for each definitions of love I had and a new definition for each stage in my life. When I think back, I can divide them into four main stages.

Till age of fifteen, my life was school, family and movies. My environment was closed. So, my answer was:
"If I stared at stars at night thinking of him and if I found him the most handsome boy (as I was a girl back then) on earth, someone with Leonardo DiCaprio's hair, John Travolta's eyes and Roshdy Abaza's smile"
Of course, I was a foolish girl. I believe I watched too much movies back then which caused this childish answer with this strange combination of actors. :D

From Sixteen till eighteen, my environment was a bit bigger, I dealt with more types of people. It gave me a little more experience. So, my answer was:
"If he is the only one that may pass on my mind, he must be kind with great heart, a look in his eyes must say it all and I must be able to depend on him"
More mature answer, it reflected some of stories I had seen that time but it is still a naive one.

Till age of twenty, it was college stage. It was a much wider space, with big number of people who I had the chance to know closely. I witnessed too many love stories, some ended happily and others ended with pain. I have to admit that this stage pushed me to think about this question over and over. With each story I knew, I wondered how they figured it out, how they decided to go on and give it a try or how they knew it is not gonna work and decided to let it go. I also have to
admit that I witnessed sad stories much more than happy stories which directly formed my answer in this stage. So, my answer was:
"I won't think about anyone, or even let anyone into my heart unless I am a 1000000% sure that he is in love with me, not even if he just likes me or sees me in a different way. If I am not that sure, I would pretend that nothing is happening, no matter what I felt"
Tough one ..right ?? Well, now I see what is wrong with it. But at its time, it seemed to be the perfect solution to avoid pain and being hurt. The nice part of this stage for me is that I ended up inventing all these ways to get this high accuracy of being sure. I don't think any of them had ever worked but each way ended with more experience. So, at the end it helped me one way or another. :)

Last stage is this past year, it may be the shortest one of these stages but it is the most mature one, I believe. During this year, I learned a lot of things; the most valuable thing is learning the difference between feeling and acting and how to separate between them.
I learned that the each face of love (happiness and pain) is as important as the other; more like a coin, it always has face and tile and you can never find one without the other. In order to live love's happiness, you have to embrace love's pain.
All these things points made my final answer (till now):
"I will know I am in love with someone, when he represents safety and home for me; when I see him as the one I want to spend the rest of my life with; when I find the ability to accept all his faults before his goods; when he become the one I can turn to in every stumble I face; when I sleep at night knowing that whatever happens the next morning, he will be there for me; when I feel his pain as if it is mine; when I willingly want to share all his problems and worries"
This is the short version of my current answer, as it would take me hours to write the full version. :)

Through these stages, I discovered one thing. There is no such a perfect answer or all-size answer. All my answers came from stories and experiences I witnessed. As stories and experiences you witness differ, your answer will differ. All it takes
to find your answer is good thinking and self honesty.

So, can you share your answer with me?

Saturday, April 24, 2010

إلي أين يأخذني..؟

إلي أين يأخذني..؟ بقلم بسنت ميرة

حبيبي
يوم أن وقعت عيناي عليك بدأت أتساءل..؟
إلي أين يأخذني هذا الرجل..؟
إلي عالم الأحلام حيث لا بشر سوانا..؟
أم إلي أرض الواقع بكل آلامه و أحزانه..؟
إلي جزيرة الطفولة السعيدة..؟
أم إلي صحراء العمر القاحلة..؟
عجيبُ أنت أيها الرجل
فحين أكون معك.. أشعر بفصول السنة الأربعة في لحظة واحدة
فتارة أجدك في رقة زهرة ربيعية حالمة
وتارة أجدك عنيد كشمس يوم شتوي قارس تفرض دفءها علي كل السحب
وتارة أجدك ورقة خضراء في شجرة خريف العمر اليابسة
وأتساءل
من أنت في كل هؤلاء...؟
هل حقاً أنت رقيق ناعم حالم..؟
أم عنيد قاسي صارم..؟
أم ثائر لا يهدأ له بال حازم..؟
أم طفل برئ يفيض حبه علي كل من حوله..؟
وتظل تدور في ذهني كل التساؤلات..؟ بلا إجابة
فأنت وحدك قادر علي إيقاظ فضولي في فهمك و معرفتك
و أنت وحدك القادر علي إشعال نار غيرتي و كأنك لم تفعل شيئاً كطفل صغير يلهو
وأنت وحدك فقط القادر علي طمأنة قلبي بأنه لا سواي لديك
كم هو بارد الكون حين لا تكون معي
كم هي دافئة ليالي العمر و أنا بجوارك
كم هي طيبة الحياة وأنت في حياتي
كم هم مخلصون البشر وأنت حبيبي
ولكنني في حالة استنفار دائمة لكل حواسي و أنا معك
تجعلني دائماً في حالة تفكير لا تنتهي
تري ماذا أنا بالنسبة له..؟
هل حقاً يحبني..؟ هل حقاً يريدني..؟
هل حقاً أنا كما يقول لي .. نفسه التي لا تنقسم عنه
إن سكنها الحزن .. فقد رحلت روحه
وإن ابتسمت .. تفتحت كل أبواب السماء بالخير له
وإن بكت .. أظلمت الدنيا في وجهه حتي أصبحت كليلة حالكة السواد
وكيف أكون حبيبته ويكون بهذه القسوة عليَّ..؟
فلا يريح قلبي العامر بحبه...بكلمة تشفي ألمي وتريح عذابي وترحم روحي المرهقة
ولا يهدئ من روعي و غيرتي المشتعلة رغم أنفي
أاخبرك شيئاً كثيرا ما أشعر أنني نحلة دوارة تظل تدور و تبحث عن رحيق العسل حتي ينهكها التعب و يقتلها الملل
فما طالت العسل..ولا ملت البحث..!!
ألم أقل لك..
أنني دائما في حالة بحث عن إجابة لسؤالي
إلي أين يأخذني...؟
ولكنني بالرغم من ذلك
سأظل دائما...مهما حاولت ألا أفعل
"بحبك"

Monday, April 19, 2010

حقائب الدموع والبكاء..لنزار قباني

حقائب الدموع والبكاء لنزار قباني
--------------------------------------------- 
إذا أتى الشتاء..
وحركت رياحه ستائري
أحس يا صديقتي
بحاجة إلى البكاء
على ذراعيك..
على دفاتري..
إذا أتى الشتاء
وانقطعت عندلة العنادل
وأصبحت ..
كل العصافير بلا منازل
يبتدئ النزيف في قلبي .. وفي أناملي.
كأنما الأمطار في السماء
تهطل يا صديقتي في داخلي..
عندئذ .. يغمرني
شوق طفولي إلى البكاء ..
على حرير شعرك الطويل كالسنابل..
كمركب أرهقه العياء
كطائر مهاجر..
يبحث عن نافذة تضاء
يبحث عن سقف له ..
في عتمة الجدائل ..

إذا أتى الشتاء..
واغتال ما في الحقل من طيوب..
وخبأ النجوم في ردائه الكئيب
يأتي إلى الحزن من مغارة المساء
يأتي كطفل شاحب غريب
مبلل الخدين والرداء..
وأفتح الباب لهذا الزائر الحبيب
أمنحه السرير .. والغطاء
أمنحه .. جميع ما يشاء

من أين جاء الحزن يا صديقتي ؟
وكيف جاء؟
يحمل لي في يده..
زنابقا رائعة الشحوب
يحمل لي ..
حقائب الدموع والبكاء

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

My Wish: Comedy Dreams

My problem with dreams is so simple, I wish to have comedy dreams. I wish to wake up in the morning and burst of laughter when I remember the dreams I had the night before.

My problem isn't that I don't dream, my problem is that I have too much real dreams. Usually I have two or three dreams every night. I remember most of them when I woke up and my mind starts living them all over again !!!

My problem isn't that I have normal dreams, my problem is that I have too personal dreams. Whatever is in my head, I see it in a dream. This is why I feel like living my life 24/7, with no breaks. My mind works day and night. If I have a problem or I am trying to escape from something, I know it will be in my dreams usually with no solution for it, and that is why it is really annoying. When I don't have problem-related dreams, I have weird dreams that push to think about them even more when I wake up.

I have been like that all my life (or at least as far as I remember). I tried to find solutions for it but nothing works. Only one solution worked once or twice, stopped weird dreams but still had two dreams that night.

The last solution I could wish for, is having comedy dreams. I wouldn't mind if I have dreams at night that will make me laugh at morning. At least, it would be a good start for the day :D

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Brave Enough To Take Choices ?

Recently, I watched a movie called "Legend of 1900". It is about a man who was born on a ship and spent all his life on it. He was named after the year he was born in, 1900. "1900" naturally played the piano. He was so talented that people took the trip from America to Europe on this particular ship to only enjoy his music.

He had the chance to leave the ship couple of times, to publish his music and become the most famous musician in his time, but he refused to leave. The reason wasn't revealed till the last moments of the movie, when he preferred to be blown up with the ship and not to leave it and continue his life on land.

For him, the reason was so clear and simple. His life was limited on this ship, his choices was countable. He was able to decide everything in his life so easily, he felt that he was in control with his own life on this ship. So, he simply refused to leave his life, as he knew it, and live on land with tons of choices to choose from. He just couldn't get how people can decide which way to take for work, for example.

For me, it was a normal musical movie which is full with piano solos, till its last 15 minutes when the reason was said and the point of the story was revealed.

I though about the story after the movie ended. It would be normal if he died on ship before it was blown up, it wouldn't be affective. But to choose to end your life because you're afraid of living a different life, is another story. It pushed me to think about me. I don't like choices myself. It takes me some time to decide doing anything but I am not that afraid of choices to give up my life to avoid taking them.

In life, we face choices, take some and take responsibility for them. It is life's nature. I can't imagine life without choices, it would lose its meaning and taste.
May be, "1900" was right not to leave the ship, because it was the life as he knew it. May be, he was wrong to give up his life, because he had the choice to try something different but he chose to die instead. In both cases, I can't blame him, but I can blame who have choices and don't take any. I can blame who have the choice and leave others to decide for him.

Life is an adventure we take and we are the ones who write its end. Make sure you write your own end as you like it, as you want it, with your own free-will as you are the one who takes its results. So, "think wisely".