A Roll Coaster Year

It is the end of December again. It's that time of the year when you are supposed to revisit the previous year and make plans for the next one.

For me, it was a weird year, with all its problems, stress, pain, tears and losses. It felt as I've been on a roll coaster ride for a whole year, and I don't even like roll coasters!
Looking back to how good this year started, I would have never imagined it to be like that. Sure I didn't expect a super year with all my wishes coming true and everything going perfectly, but I didn't imagine to have that much craziness, changes and mixed feelings in it.
I spent the past week trying to remember what was good over the past year and I ended up with the birth of my niece Lama, attending TEDx Youth event, Allah giving me a gift that I kept praying for during the past four years alhamdulillah, few outings with my friends, finding my Thaeer and enjoying the warmth of my family for another year. I know these are few short moments, but I couldn't be more grateful for having them alhamdulillah. I wouldn't have survived this year without them, simply these were what kept me standing over this year.

I believe that Allah gives us hardships to teach us lessons and complete what is missing within us, and Allah keeps repeating the same hardship in different forms till we successfully accomplish its goal. My year's theme was all about testing myself and my circles on many levels and learning how to ask for help. I don't know my test results yet but I know they were eye-openers for me. And yeah, I am 26 years old and don't know how to ask for help when I need it the most! I am still in "accepting the concept" phase, and hopefully this year I will learn how to do it properly.

Thanks to Allah for answering my pray after all these years and for blessing us with our precious Lama, the source of joy in our family. Thanks for everyone who had been there for me with/without knowing that he is actually helping me.
I know 2015 won't be easier, but at least now I know what I need to work on during this year. From now on, I am keeping only what/who worth to be kept and I am going to learn how to say "I need your help" much more.

Wish you all a blessed and peaceful new year!

Me and Cancer

This post may be a little depressing, so be careful if you will continue.

Who knows me, from a close distance, knows that I get easily attached to movies that have cancer in it. I tried to deny it for a while, but I guess it is true. I have unresolved issues with tumors (and cancer specifically).

Me and cancer have unpleasant memories together. I witnessed few stories that had cancer in it. And as I have a really good memory, I remember that whole journey, all from its start and being healthy to its end and the walk to the graveyard.
I was about 8 or 9 years old when my grandmother got it, yet I remember everyday of her long journey. I haven't met my uncle in my life, yet I remember my dad's talks about his illness.

Based on my family history, I know I have a crape gene that is waiting to go nuts and produce a couple of tumors for me. Yeah, I know it is not all about genetics, but having that gene increases its chances to happen.
Every time I hear about a new cancer patient, I instantly unintentionally see myself in his spot and going through the journey till its end.

I never never never cared about my weight in my whole life, but one of the reasons I panicked about my late weight loss issue is that cancer was the first reason that popped in my head.

I HATE cancer, I HATE tumors, I really do. My only hope is that if I ever got it, I wish I will have the people I love around me, just to help me when it kicks hard.

For More Information, take a look at this: http://cancer.stanford.edu/information/geneticsAndCancer/genesCause.html

I Miss You

This is my grandpa's second memorial. I don't believe it's been 2 years since then.

To tell the truth, he wasn't my favorite grandpa and I wasn't his favorite granddaughter but we had something in common that I never understood.

I still remember the day he went, all the small details. I never cried over someone as hard as I cried over him. I still remember all his talks and stories he used to tell us when we were children, and I still wonder if any of them is true :)

I will be forever thankfull for what I learnt from him. Noone is capable of teaching me what he tought me, and I don't think he ever realised it.

By his death, he gave the most important lesson. When your time come, only important people will there with you. Spend your time here on earth making sure that they will.

I miss you Grandpa :(

Most Blessing Things in My Life (1- Memories)

Today is one of those wired days when I think of something and find it somewhere around me. This made me insist on posting about it although I am having an exam tomorrow and I hadn't finish study yet.

Today on my way home, I though about the best blessing Allah had gave us: Memories.

When I got home, I found an episode of Oprah's show, it was an old one but I watched it anyway. One of the guests on the show was a woman who remembers everyday in her life with its exact dates and exact events. She also remembers every news she ever heard about with its date and time.

I believe memories can change a person's life, at least for me. I can't imagine how my life would be without all the memories I have. I have an emotional memory, which keeps any thing that had ever touched me one way or another.

I remember so many things from my childhood, school days and even some sad days.

I know this may sound overestimation, but I remember most of the conversations I had by word.

Memories are the most precious thing anyone can have. It makes me wonder how our brains can save this much of memories with that much of details and why we remember some events while forget others...

For me, I only wish to keep memories I have, and memories I will have in the future, till the day I die.