Saturday, January 26, 2013

Long Journey

9 years .. 108 months .. 3290 days, this is how long I've been doing it.

I remember how hard, how challenging and how risky it was. Monitoring your feelings, your acts and your thoughts along with everyone's to reach to the right combination.
I stopped counting how many times I changed my safety nets, and how many times I had to adjust things and even rebuild things from scratch.

9 years .. 108 months .. 3290 days, what I've learned in these years is incomparable to anything else.
I learned how to read eyes, listen carefully and pay attention to small signs. I learned that "I am just busy" isn't the right answer.
I learned how my mind can be the superior but not to silence my heart. I learned how to notice the changes no matter how small they are, but not to keep holding on when you let go.

YES I can tell when you change your hair style, your moves or your perfume. I can differentiate your smiles, your voice tone and your words. I know which songs, cloths, food and movies you like. I know which news or posts interest you. I know all the small details. I know them all.

Sometimes, I strayed from the sidewalk. I let my heart lead for a while. I enjoyed it, I have to admit, but it always ended in a way I don't want to repeat.

9 years .. 108 months .. 3290 days, and I haven't learned how to overcome people's loss. I don't know how many people I have to lose before I learn that.

9 years .. 108 months .. 3290 days, and still counting

Safety Net are people I depend on when things gets ugly. I have a safety net in every area of my life: family, friends, work, etc. They are supposed to be the people I KNOW they will be there for me all the time. As life goes on, people change, so does my safety net.

Friday, January 18, 2013

My First Last Request

I wrote this on 18th April, 2010 and never published it before. Now, it is meaningless.

Why do you insist on torturing me?
Why don't you just say it, why don't you let me know?
All I need is just to hear one word, I need to know if you love me or not. I can't bear it anymore, I swear I tried but I can't bear it anymore, I just can't.

Please, save me from my torture. I can handle it if you said you don't love me, I would be thrilled if you said you do love me, but I can't handle ignorance.
You are so sweet with me, but I can't stop asking myself, is it because you are in love with me or is it just you being nice?

I keep praying to Allah every night to set me free from this prison, I even prayed once to remove your love from my heart, to just stop the pain I am feeling. I know it would kill me but I am not alive now anyway. I pray and pray but it seems it doesn't work.

I know you may not be in love with me, maybe I don't represent anything for you. Maybe you just see me as a person who you can easily talk to. I know all that, and I keep repeating it over and over in my head to keep it in my mind, to help me resist you, to keep me away from you, to keep me away from thinking about you. Believe me, I tried it all, but nothing works. You lives in me.

So please, as a first and last request I am gonna ask you, please, set me free before you go, before you leave. Remember all our moments together, all the laughter we had, and do it for the sack of those moments.

وأبحث عنك كثيراً كثيراً - فاروق جويدة

ويرحل عنا زمان الأمان
فأشتاق من راحتيك الحنان
وأحمل قلبي كطفل جريح
يصارعه الشيب قبل الأوان
وأصبح بعدك لحنا .. عجوزا
شقي الزمان غريب المكان
وتبقين وحدك فوق الزمان
وتبقى عيونك أحلى مكان
سنين من العمر تمضي علينا
وفي الفرح ننسى حساب السنين
أعد الليالي.. ربيعا ربيعا
ويمضي الزمان ولا ترجعين
وتبقين وحدك نبضا بقلبي
ويرحل عمري ولا ترحلين
وسافرت بعدك في كل أرض
وكم كنت أشعر أني غريب
وجربت يا حب عمري كثيرا
وأسأل قلبي.. ولا يستجيب
فألقاك في كل حلم بعيد
وألقاك في كل طيف قريب

* * * * * *

وأبحث عنك كثيرا.. كثيرا
يدور الزمان وقلبي لديك
يضيع الأمان فأبحث عنك
ويشتاق قلبي كثيرا إليك
إذا جاء صيف سألت النسيم
ترى من عبيرك هذا العبير؟
وإن طال ليل تساءل قلبي:
بربك أين ملاكي الصغير؟
وإن جاءني الحزن ضيفا ثقيلا
يعاتبني الدمع هل من رفيق؟
فأبحث عنك على كل ضوء
وعمر الحيارى ظلام سحيق
لأنك مني وأني إليك
كما يعرف الزهر طعم الرحيق
وأبحث عنك كثيرا.. كثيرا
فأنت الضياع وأنت الطريق!!