السند

دائما كنت مقتنعة بأن "عمرك ما هتقدر تسند غيرك و انت مش قادر تسند نفسك". 

النهاردة بس حسيت معناها الحقيقي لما خذلت أعز أصحابي في اني ابقى جنبها. لأول مرة اخلط ما بين وجعي و وجعها و لأول معرفش اشوف الخط الفاصل بين وجعي و احساسها.

اتعودت من زمان اني لما اسمع حد أسمعه باحساسي مش بعقلي و بعد ما استوعب مشاعره كله افكر في تحليل كلامه. النهاردة الوجع خلاني مقدرش اسمع احساسها و لأول مرة أسمح لوجعي أنه يتكلم بدالي.

معتقدش اني كلمة آسفة هتبقي كفاية عشان تعوضها عن موقفي النهاردة.

الشيئ الوحيد اللي أتأكدت منه اني عمرك ما هتقدر تقف جنب اللي بتحبهم و انت جواك وجع.

مين قال

مين قال إن البعد بيفرق ..
مين قال إن الوجع بيقسي ..
مين قال إن نطق الاسم مش بيهدي ..
مين قال إن الكلمة اللي بتتعب مش بتريح ..
مين قال إن كلمة غضب مش بتوجع الموجوع أكثر ..
مين قال إن قرار ممكن يخلي الروح تبطل تشتاق ..
مين قال إن رغبة ممكن تخلي الغلط صح ..

الطبطبة

احنا كلنا كبشر بنحتاج لطبطبة من وقت للتاني. طبطبة تقولك انك مش لوحدك و أن الدنيا مش كلها غامقة و فيها حاجات مش كلها وجع. 

الفترة اللي فاتت (و الشهر اللي فات تحديدا) كان من أصعب الفترات اللي عدت عليا بس برضه كان أكثر فترة احس فيها بمعنى الطبطبة دي و خاصة آخر أسبوع فيها. و اللي فرحني أكثر ان اغلب الطبطبة كانت بتيجي من ربنا. خلال الفترة دي مفيش مرة عدي عليا موقف يعيطني أو يضايقني إلا و بعدها خلال يوم بالكثير ربنا يرزقني بالحاجة اللي تطبطب عليا و تنسيني اللي حصل.

الهدف من الكلام ده كله هو تذكرة للنفس .. مهما كانت الدنيا غامقة حواليك و مهما كنت متضايق .. خليك متأكد أن هيجي اللي يخلي ابتسامتك من الودن للودن ... ادعوا ربنا بدوام الطبطبة :) 

Glimpses

The thing is when you're down, everything seems much harder and painful. Getting out of bed is a struggle. Swallowing your food is suffocating. Doing your daily routine is a constant pain. 

The Only thing you can do is to put everything on autopilot mode, and use all your effort to focus on the small glimpses you get during the day; a smile from a baby, a warm hug from your aunt, a joke with a relative, a sentence you surprisingly read. 

Keep looking for messages of comfort hidden inside your regular actions. 

These moments happen within few minutes, but their effect may last for a much longer time. They are what will keep you standing on your feet when nothing else will. These moments simply give you a glimpse of what things will look like when this darkness goes away, and soon it will.

http://www.texasexplorer.com/bbspbeams.jpg

A Roll Coaster Year

It is the end of December again. It's that time of the year when you are supposed to revisit the previous year and make plans for the next one.

For me, it was a weird year, with all its problems, stress, pain, tears and losses. It felt as I've been on a roll coaster ride for a whole year, and I don't even like roll coasters!
Looking back to how good this year started, I would have never imagined it to be like that. Sure I didn't expect a super year with all my wishes coming true and everything going perfectly, but I didn't imagine to have that much craziness, changes and mixed feelings in it.
I spent the past week trying to remember what was good over the past year and I ended up with the birth of my niece Lama, attending TEDx Youth event, Allah giving me a gift that I kept praying for during the past four years alhamdulillah, few outings with my friends, finding my Thaeer and enjoying the warmth of my family for another year. I know these are few short moments, but I couldn't be more grateful for having them alhamdulillah. I wouldn't have survived this year without them, simply these were what kept me standing over this year.

I believe that Allah gives us hardships to teach us lessons and complete what is missing within us, and Allah keeps repeating the same hardship in different forms till we successfully accomplish its goal. My year's theme was all about testing myself and my circles on many levels and learning how to ask for help. I don't know my test results yet but I know they were eye-openers for me. And yeah, I am 26 years old and don't know how to ask for help when I need it the most! I am still in "accepting the concept" phase, and hopefully this year I will learn how to do it properly.

Thanks to Allah for answering my pray after all these years and for blessing us with our precious Lama, the source of joy in our family. Thanks for everyone who had been there for me with/without knowing that he is actually helping me.
I know 2015 won't be easier, but at least now I know what I need to work on during this year. From now on, I am keeping only what/who worth to be kept and I am going to learn how to say "I need your help" much more.

Wish you all a blessed and peaceful new year!