Be Fair

I have been told to always judge myself, my actions and what happens in my life. With every trouble I face with people, it's me who is always found guilty. It's always my fault, my mistake or my misjudgment. In only few times, I shared the guilt with others. But even then, I had the biggest share. Maybe, because fixing a problem in you is much easier than fixing it in others.

I know it's my controlling side, it believes that it's easier to deal with pain when you're the one who caused it, to think that it is your fault and this is your punishment, to not admit you have been deceived, cheated or betrayed and to recover after what you caused rather than what others caused.

The fact is that is partially true. We all share responsibility of what happens to us and how we are treated. But sometimes, in few cases, it is not your fault, it is not your fault at all.

It is not your fault that you trusted someone, believed in something, wished on the start or even gave it up.

It is not your fault when you know you have given it all you can, you did your best and you reached out for it. Sometimes it depends on others, luck or fate to reach back.

Just do your best, reach out as much as you can and wait and see.

And always, bring justice to yourself.

24/24

Yesterday was my 24/24 birthday (24 years / 24 Sept). It had to be different and it was. I celebrated it for two days.

On the 24th, I woke up at 5:00 am, slept at 2:30 am and enjoyed every minute of the day.

I solved an issue at work that I've been stuck into for 3 days. My friend and a family member surprised me.
It was my cousin and my friend's engagements.  I found out that my other cousin will be a father.
I tried ask.fm for the first time for fun.

For the first time, I concentrated on the current moment, forgot everything else. You can say I just set back, relaxed and enjoyed the moment.

It was a day full of joy, laughter and happy occasions. In short, it was "A Day To Remember".
Elhamdlelah :)

Something New

It's been a while since I wanted to write something that badly.

Last two weeks had been like hell for me. For the first time, I couldn't control my mind, my feeling or anything. I've never felt as bad as I felt these two weeks. It is torture to be forced to follow your mind's mood changing every 5 minutes, when it is calm or when it goes nuts.

After a while, I found out that the problem isn't a control failure, but it is a pain failure. I never felt such severe pain before. I had prepared for it for so long but never imagined it could be that hard.

Pain is totally uncontrollable. It hits you when you are the least vulnerable and when it is the least expected. After fighting pain for few days then ignoring it for another few days, I decided to give up the fight. Beside going to work, I did nothing. I went silent away from the world and let it go. When I am out of the mood, I am out of the mood. When I need a cry, I cry. I didn't fight it, or tried to control it and it was the solution for me.

After two weeks, pain didn't totally go away, but it isn't piling up any more. I know it will take time, and now I am fine with that and willing to give it all the time it needs to go away (if it will ever go away).

What I am relieved about now is that pain is reduced to the limit that allows me to do a small control over things (only to be able to function in away or another)

No matter how things are bad and painfull now, it is always good to know something new about yourself and learn how to deal with it.


A Note To Myself:
Next time you are in pain, just set back, hold still and feel the pain.

I Miss You

This is my grandpa's second memorial. I don't believe it's been 2 years since then.

To tell the truth, he wasn't my favorite grandpa and I wasn't his favorite granddaughter but we had something in common that I never understood.

I still remember the day he went, all the small details. I never cried over someone as hard as I cried over him. I still remember all his talks and stories he used to tell us when we were children, and I still wonder if any of them is true :)

I will be forever thankfull for what I learnt from him. Noone is capable of teaching me what he tought me, and I don't think he ever realised it.

By his death, he gave the most important lesson. When your time come, only important people will there with you. Spend your time here on earth making sure that they will.

I miss you Grandpa :(

Dear Me

Dear Me,

This is me trying to make you see how things really are.

You are born to be great. Deep down your heart, you know it. You exist in this life to make a difference, to change someone's life and to leave an impact behind when it's time to go.

It isn't easy. We all know it's damn hard, but it's your destiny, a destiny that you can't escape from. You are a solider on a mission and it's your job to find your mission and to accomplish it succesfully.

You may not see the end of the road or your final mission's goal, but standing still and doing nothing won't make it any clearer.

Set down and find your next small step and do it today. Learn something new, help someone in need, or put yourself together. Whatever you choose, do what will make your day counts. Make each moment counts and stop wasting your life here on earth.

And always remember, clock never stops ticking.
Tick-tock .. tick-tock .. tick-tock ..