A Roll Coaster Year

It is the end of December again. It's that time of the year when you are supposed to revisit the previous year and make plans for the next one.

For me, it was a weird year, with all its problems, stress, pain, tears and losses. It felt as I've been on a roll coaster ride for a whole year, and I don't even like roll coasters!
Looking back to how good this year started, I would have never imagined it to be like that. Sure I didn't expect a super year with all my wishes coming true and everything going perfectly, but I didn't imagine to have that much craziness, changes and mixed feelings in it.
I spent the past week trying to remember what was good over the past year and I ended up with the birth of my niece Lama, attending TEDx Youth event, Allah giving me a gift that I kept praying for during the past four years alhamdulillah, few outings with my friends, finding my Thaeer and enjoying the warmth of my family for another year. I know these are few short moments, but I couldn't be more grateful for having them alhamdulillah. I wouldn't have survived this year without them, simply these were what kept me standing over this year.

I believe that Allah gives us hardships to teach us lessons and complete what is missing within us, and Allah keeps repeating the same hardship in different forms till we successfully accomplish its goal. My year's theme was all about testing myself and my circles on many levels and learning how to ask for help. I don't know my test results yet but I know they were eye-openers for me. And yeah, I am 26 years old and don't know how to ask for help when I need it the most! I am still in "accepting the concept" phase, and hopefully this year I will learn how to do it properly.

Thanks to Allah for answering my pray after all these years and for blessing us with our precious Lama, the source of joy in our family. Thanks for everyone who had been there for me with/without knowing that he is actually helping me.
I know 2015 won't be easier, but at least now I know what I need to work on during this year. From now on, I am keeping only what/who worth to be kept and I am going to learn how to say "I need your help" much more.

Wish you all a blessed and peaceful new year!

When you know

When you know that you know who you love, you can't deny it.

Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.

When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go

Cos you know and you know that you know.

When you feel in your skin, in your bones and the hollow of your heart, there's no way you can wait till tomorrow.

When there isn't any doubt about it once you come this close

Cos you know and you know that you know.

You can feel love surround you like the sky 'round the moon.

This is how love has found you, now you know what to do.

When you know that you know who you need, you can't deny it.

Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.

When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go

Cos you know and you know that you know.

And it's time you come in from the cold.

Haaa...

And you know that you know.

ليه ؟

في مسلسل حكايات بنات، كان في مشهد بين أحلام (بطلة المسلسل) و عاصم (حبيبها). ببساطة هو جاله سفر مفاجئ لفترة طويلة فقالها انها هي أول شخص يقوله. ردها بقي كان عبقري بالنسبة لي: "ليه؟ ليه حسيت إني لازم أبقي أول واحدة؟ ابقي لك ايه؟"

لما حد يحكي معاك أو يقولك علي مشكلة عنده او خبر فرحه او حتي خبر عادي أو اختار يشاركك لحظة في حياته، و لما انت تبقي عايز حد يشاركك أي لحظة في حياتك، افتكر أول حد بييجي علي بالك لحظتها سواء الشخص ده كان معاك أو لأ، واسأل نفسك السؤال ده: "لـيه".

ليه اختارك انت؟ ليه فكر يشاركك انت اللحظة دي؟ و ليه ممكن ميختاركش انت؟ 

ليه انت اختارته؟ ليه هو أول حد خطر علي بالك في لحظة ما؟

سؤال صغير بس اجابته هتخليك تشوف علاقات مختلفة في دائرتك. ناس اتعودت انهم موجودين عشان بس هم كانوا دايما موجودين، و ناس محدش منهم كان في حساباتك.

لو انت زي حالاتي عندك حبة دوائر للناس اللي حواليك، يبقي اتعود دائما تسأل نفسك السؤال ده: "لـيه".

Me and Cancer

This post may be a little depressing, so be careful if you will continue.

Who knows me, from a close distance, knows that I get easily attached to movies that have cancer in it. I tried to deny it for a while, but I guess it is true. I have unresolved issues with tumors (and cancer specifically).

Me and cancer have unpleasant memories together. I witnessed few stories that had cancer in it. And as I have a really good memory, I remember that whole journey, all from its start and being healthy to its end and the walk to the graveyard.
I was about 8 or 9 years old when my grandmother got it, yet I remember everyday of her long journey. I haven't met my uncle in my life, yet I remember my dad's talks about his illness.

Based on my family history, I know I have a crape gene that is waiting to go nuts and produce a couple of tumors for me. Yeah, I know it is not all about genetics, but having that gene increases its chances to happen.
Every time I hear about a new cancer patient, I instantly unintentionally see myself in his spot and going through the journey till its end.

I never never never cared about my weight in my whole life, but one of the reasons I panicked about my late weight loss issue is that cancer was the first reason that popped in my head.

I HATE cancer, I HATE tumors, I really do. My only hope is that if I ever got it, I wish I will have the people I love around me, just to help me when it kicks hard.

For More Information, take a look at this: http://cancer.stanford.edu/information/geneticsAndCancer/genesCause.html

حبة هدوء

ساعات بتبقي في مكان حلو اوي

اضاءته مريحة لعينك اوي

و انت مبسوط فيه اوي

و فجاة تلاقي نفسك في مكان ضلمة

مش قادر تشوف فيه حاجة

حقك تخاف

حقك تقلق

حقك تتخنق و نفسك يبقي اسرع

حقك تخبط حواليك عشان تشوف معالم المكان

بس اللي انت متعرفوش

انك لو استنيت بس لدقائق .. بس دقائق

لو هديت

لو اخدت نفسك بعمق و ببطء

هتلاقي عينك رجعت تشوف تاني

اه مش بنفس الوضوح

اه مش بنفس الراحة

بس هترجع تشوف طريقك

بس هترجع تعرف انت فين و رايح فين

كل المطلوب هو حبة هدوء و نفس عميييق