How Close Am I ?

I have been thinking about people in my life. How close I am to them and how close they are to me.

I found that I have many people in my life whom I consider the closest to me but I have no clue about whether they know that or not and I don't even know how much they consider me close to them.

I admit I had built this fence around me over the past years, may be to keep me away from being hurt and feeling the pain. It is working very well till now but I also must admit that I lost people, some were (and still) the dearest to me, because of it.

It is true that this fence saved me a lot of pain over the past seven years. This fence had been my shelter in the darkest moments in my life. Each time I feel hurt from a relative, friend, or anyone, I simply go into this shelter and everything becomes good. Though it helped me a lot but I think I need to erase it now as I needed to create it seven years ago.

I don't know if I will be able to do it or not but I decided to try, do my best and see what will happen.

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I was going through my old posts today, and I found that post that was written over 4 years ago!

The fence is still there, that is something I am sure of, yet I think I learned how to sneak out of it for a while every now and then. I got the chance to come close to new people, some made my life more interesting, while others made it more difficult.

I used to be very restricted with selecting the people I deal with, but straying away from this gave me the chance to connect to a wider variety of people who enriched my experiences over the past few years.

I didn't erase the fence back then, and I have no plans to erase it any time soon. I prefer to keep it as my safe shelter and the one thing that keeps me standing when nothing else does. But I learned how to balance when to keep it and when to let it go. I am a Libra and balance is my curse after all!

فن الحضن

من الحاجات اللي بحس اننا كأفراد مفتقدينها مؤخرا هي فن الحضن. إنك تحضن حد وتدفيه بمجرد ما تحس انه محتاج الحضن، ساعات كثير هو بيبقي محتاج حبة الدفا دول عشان يقدر يعبر عن حاجات كثير جواه.

اللي الناس مش بتفهمه كثير ان في أنواع كثير من الحضن ...
الحضن الجسدي بانك تاخد حد جوه ايديك وتحاول تشاركه الدفا اللي جواك علي أمل انه يكفيكم انتم الاتنين. علي رغم اننا المفروض شعب شرقي والحنية في طبعنا - نظريا - بس حاول تفتكر اخر مرة حضنت او اتحضنت فيها بضمير!
حضن العينين .. من كام شهر واحد قالي ان عينيا بتعرف تحضن وصراحة انا ساعتها خدتها علي انها مجاملة لطيفة لأني مفهمتش معناها والسياق مكنش يسمح بإني أسأل عن المعني، بس النهاردة كانت أول مرة أحس بمعني ان عينين تحضن .. يعني ايه حد يبقي مش مستني منك حاجة غير ان عينك تحضنه بس.
حضن الكلمة .. الحضن اللي بيطبطب ويطيب في نفس الوقت حتي لو بيفصل بين الشخصين آلاف الأميال .. انك تاخد وقت عشان تختار الكلمة المناسبة للحد اللي محتاجك وان تقول الكلمة اللي تعرف تاخده في حضن عميق ينسيه همومه في وقتها.
حضن السمع .. الحضن اللي بيحتوي اللي قدامك. انك تقرر بكامل وعيك انك تتحول لودان كبيرة تحتوي الآخر بدون أحكام مسبقة وبدون نقاشات وبدون إبداء آراء.

للأسف كثير مننا فقد قدرته علي تقديم الحضن بسبب جزء من تربيتنا بإن الانسان لازم يحافظ علي هيبته وعلي المسافات بينه وبين الناس ليحافظ علي احترامهم له. رغم إني قابلت ناس كثير حضنهم فعلا حلو اوي ودافي جدا بس المشكلة كانت دائما فشلهم في تقديمه بدون طلب مسبق. وللأسف أحيانا المشكلة كانت فقدهم القدرة في رؤية حاجة غيرهم للحضن ده.

أنا لسه بتعلم الأنواع دي والنقل السلس بينهم ووقت استخدام كل نوع منهم ولسه بخاف اتعامل بهم مع الناس في أوقات كثير. لكن الأكيد أني اقدرت أعيش الكام شهر اللي فاتوا بفضل الأحضان دي وبفضل ان ربنا رزقني باللي عرفوا يحضنوا ويداوا بالحضن ازاي.

احضنوا يا جماعة .. احضن أهلك .. احضن أولادك .. احضن رفيق دربك .. احضن صديقك .. مفيش أحسن من الحضن دواء لكل اللي جوانا :)

2015 .. Emotional Bonds Year

In a few minutes, clock will strike 12:00 am and the new year will start. If I am gonna to come up with a title for 2015, it would be "Emotional Bonds Year".

Going back to my review for 2014 (check it here), my wish for 2015 was to learn how to say "I need your help" and going through what happened over the past year, this is exactly what happened.

Away from my promotion in July, the management course I took in August and the Cairo trip in December, everything else was about "Help and Share Emotions". Before 2015, if you asked anyone to conclude me in a word, you might get "smart", "practical" or "extra-rational" but you wouldn't get any emotions-related word. This can give you an idea about how hard it was for me to deal with emotions. The super control girl in me always believed that emotions exist only to direct us from time to time, but our actions should always come from our mind and based on analysis. Well ... 2015 proved me wrong!

I tried to organize my 2015 lessons and this is what I came up with ...

Allah is always there for you. He is always ready to hear your prayers, wipe your tears away, listen to all your continuous repeated complaints, and comfort your anxious heart. You will always stray away from him, but turning back is always doable and he is waiting for you.

Expressing your feelings and putting them in words will carry more peace to your mind. It will stop the self-talk in your mind and help you see a clearer picture of your surrounding.

A friend of mine told me yesterday that I became "less complaining" in 2015, which isn't true. The only difference is that now I "deliver my complaints in person" to only who cares about it. So it isn't only about expressing the feelings, but also about expressing them to who can contain it and sort them out with you.

Family will always be your first support team, even if you talk once a year. Whenever you need them, they will be there for you no matter what. My family went through consecutive problems for couple of months and the only thing that helped us go through it was our support to each other. Knowing that "We are all in this together" was always the key. My family may not be the greatest or coolest family ever, but they surely know how to support.

Friends are the people who are always there by your side, no matter how big the distance between you is. I had a problem telling them "I need your help" or "I need to talk" at the beginning, but over time, these two sentences became so common and so natural between us. Time proved that friends are always one call away, and all you need to do is to say the magical words "I need to talk". Each person has his own way of saying these magical words, some say it clear and loud, others say it hidden within a hundred words. The closer you become to each other, the easier it will be for you to find these words from an hour-long conversation.

Special thanks to Victor, Fawzia, Sarah, Aseel, Shaimaa and Mohamed, this year wouldn't be the same without you. Please be sure that your existence and help won't be taken for granted.

A hug or a kiss from Lama, or hearing her saying my name, even though it came out as "Mmeeeeenn", can be a simple delight for my day. Watching her growing old day by day, taught me the value of time and that time actually flies! She pushed me to see hidden sides that I weren't aware of their existence before.

You will meet people who will leave their impact in your life whether you liked it or not. All your life events will be classified into two big group, events that happened before and after knowing them. You might get angry with them, be aware of the hurt and pain they caused you, but you will always appreciate that your roads crossed one day.

You can't have peace in your life without having trust in people close to you. Yet you have to be aware where you put your trust. Putting your trust where it doesn't belong can easily bring you down. Trusting someone isn't equal to blind obedience, specially when it comes to your life decisions. You are the one and only boss when it comes to your life matters.

I've been told once that "to forget a bad memory, replace it by mimicking a similar one after changing the elements you didn't like". This is true to some extent, but my own version of this would be "to reduce your feeling about a bad memory, create much more happy memories with the same content (or as similar as possible). With time, the happy memories will cover the bad one and your mind will eventually drop it". At least this is what I tried to do in Cairo trip!

Life is too short. People in my age die at a sudden. They are with their family one day, and they are dead the next day. Don't waste your life in anger or hope. If you want something, do your best to get it. At least if you didn't get it after all, you will know that you did 200% effort.

I have to say "I am sorry" for a friend who I totally disappointed over the past two months. I couldn't be there for you, as you were there for me. I wish there was a way to make it up for you.

Few days ago I asked my friends to share our 2015 happy moments, and each one of them was a moment of help, support or emotions. This made me happy because this means I was changed enough to worth their trust and the bless of sharing part of their lives.

At the end of this year, I can't say it was a great or even good year, but this is the year that changed me to extents I hadn't thought of before. I am grateful that I had my family by my side for one more year. I am grateful for my friends who held me when I was weak.

As my wish for 2015 came true, let's try a new wish for 2016. May this year hold less pain for everyone and bring more peace and joy into our lives.

"اللهم يا جبار .. اجبر كسرنا اجمعين"

ترانزيت

عمرك سمعت عن حد كان مسافر لبلد بعيدة فنزل ترانزيت كام ساعة في بلد في النص؟

عمرك تساءلت يا تري هو فكر يجهز إيه لوقت الترانزيت ده؟

هل هتستغرب لو عرفت إنه بيخطط يشتري فيلا في البلد الترانزيت عشان يقضي فيها الكام ساعة دول؟

هل هتعتبره عاقل جدا ومستثمر من الدرجة الأولي ولا هتشوفه مجنون ومبذر؟

الواقع بيقول إن في أطراف كثير في حياتنا بنعاملهم و بيعاملونا علي إننا ترانزيت في حياة بعض. الواقع كمان بيقول إني كنت بتضايق جدا من التعامل ده وإعتبار أي طرف لعلاقته بيا علي إنها ترانزيت كانت كفيلة إني أنهي العلاقة دي مهما كان تاريخها.

بس الواقع برضه بيقول إن العلاقات دي أثبتت إنها مريحة، انت بتتوقف عن انتظار أي شيئ في مقابل أي حاجة بتعملها و لا الطرف الآخر بيكون منتظر شيئ. علاقة واضحة وصريحة ومحدش فيها محتاج يتجمل عشان يحافظ علي العلاقة دي.

إمتي بقي بتظهر المشكلة؟! لما حد فينا يغلط ويتعامل مع العلاقة دي علي إنها هجرة دائمة وإنها مستمرة. لأن مهما الطرف الآخر اثبت لك في كل موقف إن وجودك مش أكثر من ترانزيت، ومهما عدي عليك وقت هيفضل برضه صعب عليك إنك تتخلي عن الفيلا اللي خططت إنك تشتريها -ما أنت أصلك بتخطط لفيلا برضه مش حتة شقة إيجار-.

اتعلم مع الوقت إنك تحمد ربنا كل ليلة علي علاقات الهجرة اللي في حياتك وانك تدعيه ما تغلط في يوم وتشوف الترانزيت هجرة ولا الهجرة ترانزيت.

وفي النهاية اللهم هجرة دائما و أبدا.

A dream

I were so anxious. My heart beat so fast. I knew I am gonna see you for the first time!

You came down the stairs dressed in blue. I remember the warmth of your smile, the look of your eyes and the mumbling of your mouth. We had small talks about your life and mine, the story behind the ring you wear, and what drinks I prefer to have.
 
No matter how much solid you seemed, I felt your worries; yet I couldn't take my eyes off you cause I was mind blown by the angelic heart laying behind your solidness.
 
We lost track of time and before we knew it, we said goodbye and I woke up calling your name.

                                                          http://abstract.desktopnexus.com/wallpaper/443348/