Long Journey

9 years .. 108 months .. 3290 days, this is how long I've been doing it.

I remember how hard, how challenging and how risky it was. Monitoring your feelings, your acts and your thoughts along with everyone's to reach to the right combination.
I stopped counting how many times I changed my safety nets, and how many times I had to adjust things and even rebuild things from scratch.

9 years .. 108 months .. 3290 days, what I've learned in these years is incomparable to anything else.
I learned how to read eyes, listen carefully and pay attention to small signs. I learned that "I am just busy" isn't the right answer.
I learned how my mind can be the superior but not to silence my heart. I learned how to notice the changes no matter how small they are, but not to keep holding on when you let go.

YES I can tell when you change your hair style, your moves or your perfume. I can differentiate your smiles, your voice tone and your words. I know which songs, cloths, food and movies you like. I know which news or posts interest you. I know all the small details. I know them all.

Sometimes, I strayed from the sidewalk. I let my heart lead for a while. I enjoyed it, I have to admit, but it always ended in a way I don't want to repeat.

9 years .. 108 months .. 3290 days, and I haven't learned how to overcome people's loss. I don't know how many people I have to lose before I learn that.

9 years .. 108 months .. 3290 days, and still counting

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Safety Net are people I depend on when things gets ugly. I have a safety net in every area of my life: family, friends, work, etc. They are supposed to be the people I KNOW they will be there for me all the time. As life goes on, people change, so does my safety net.

My First Last Request

I wrote this on 18th April, 2010 and never published it before. Now, it is meaningless.
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Why do you insist on torturing me?
Why don't you just say it, why don't you let me know?
All I need is just to hear one word, I need to know if you love me or not. I can't bear it anymore, I swear I tried but I can't bear it anymore, I just can't.

Please, save me from my torture. I can handle it if you said you don't love me, I would be thrilled if you said you do love me, but I can't handle ignorance.
You are so sweet with me, but I can't stop asking myself, is it because you are in love with me or is it just you being nice?

I keep praying to Allah every night to set me free from this prison, I even prayed once to remove your love from my heart, to just stop the pain I am feeling. I know it would kill me but I am not alive now anyway. I pray and pray but it seems it doesn't work.

I know you may not be in love with me, maybe I don't represent anything for you. Maybe you just see me as a person who you can easily talk to. I know all that, and I keep repeating it over and over in my head to keep it in my mind, to help me resist you, to keep me away from you, to keep me away from thinking about you. Believe me, I tried it all, but nothing works. You lives in me.

So please, as a first and last request I am gonna ask you, please, set me free before you go, before you leave. Remember all our moments together, all the laughter we had, and do it for the sack of those moments.

وأبحث عنك كثيراً كثيراً - فاروق جويدة

ويرحل عنا زمان الأمان
فأشتاق من راحتيك الحنان
وأحمل قلبي كطفل جريح
يصارعه الشيب قبل الأوان
وأصبح بعدك لحنا .. عجوزا
شقي الزمان غريب المكان
وتبقين وحدك فوق الزمان
وتبقى عيونك أحلى مكان
سنين من العمر تمضي علينا
وفي الفرح ننسى حساب السنين
أعد الليالي.. ربيعا ربيعا
ويمضي الزمان ولا ترجعين
وتبقين وحدك نبضا بقلبي
ويرحل عمري ولا ترحلين
وسافرت بعدك في كل أرض
وكم كنت أشعر أني غريب
وجربت يا حب عمري كثيرا
وأسأل قلبي.. ولا يستجيب
فألقاك في كل حلم بعيد
وألقاك في كل طيف قريب

* * * * * *

وأبحث عنك كثيرا.. كثيرا
يدور الزمان وقلبي لديك
يضيع الأمان فأبحث عنك
ويشتاق قلبي كثيرا إليك
إذا جاء صيف سألت النسيم
ترى من عبيرك هذا العبير؟
وإن طال ليل تساءل قلبي:
بربك أين ملاكي الصغير؟
وإن جاءني الحزن ضيفا ثقيلا
يعاتبني الدمع هل من رفيق؟
فأبحث عنك على كل ضوء
وعمر الحيارى ظلام سحيق
لأنك مني وأني إليك
كما يعرف الزهر طعم الرحيق
وأبحث عنك كثيرا.. كثيرا
فأنت الضياع وأنت الطريق!!

Happy New Year 2013

As it became a tradition, looking back to 2012 and saying goodbye, I had to remember all moments, bad or good, passed in 2012. I can say it was a good year.

It has its ups and downs. I enjoyed the ups and learned from the downs.

2012 was full of first time events, which is amazing about it.

2012 proved to me how strong I can be, even when I hated that sometimes, but it was a mandatory this year.
A dream came true in 2012. I paid more attention to my health.

For me, 2012 is measured in laughter, tears, firsts, the life of friends and my own self-improvements.

As always I will highlight best moments in 2012:

DECEMBER:

17 Learned how to run youtube video in terminal

14 Back to research

13 Eat Zalatimo (first time)

12 My best friend Ahmed Saeed's katb ketab

NOVEMBER:

30 Read constitution (first time)

21 Breakfast at Coffee Beans (first time)

08 Repair my laptop (first time)

OCTOBER:

23 Lasik operation ... no more glasses (first time)

18 Witnessed autopsy of a frog (first time)

17 Used Foursquare (first time)

07 Outgoing with eSpace family (first time)

04 Give tech talk (first time)

SEPTEMBER:

26 One year anniversary on keeping track with my expenses

24 Used ask.fm (first time)

24 My cousin Moustafa's engagement

24 Best birthday to have

02 Employee of the month at eSpace (first time)

AUGUST:
10 My cousin Noha's engagement

JULY:

16 My best friend Ahmed Saeed's engagement

07 Rediscovered myself and my abilities

MAY:

04 My two friends Ahmed Fathy and Rana's wedding

APRIL:

29 Stopped drinking Nescafé, coffee and Tea.

29 Joined eSpace (A dream that came true)

26 Left BA

26 My BA farewell (first time)

14 My best friend Aseel's wedding

13 My two friends Ahmed Fathy and Rana's katb ketab

MARCH:

13 Used Goodreads (first time)

09 Attended JDC 2012, Cairo (first trip alone)

FEBRUARY:

02 My best friend Aseel's katb ketab

Last but not least, I would like to thank two special friends, Shaimaa and OzZa, for being there for me whenever I needed them. I don't know how things were going to be without both of you.

Happy New Year 2013

Where Does Money Go ?

15 months ago, while I had a talk with my friend, Shaimaa, and we both realised that despite our good salaries, we had no idea where our money went. I promised her that if I ever were able to track my expenses, I will share it with her.

For the past 14 months, I have been tracking what I earn and what I spend using a simple spreadsheet to keep things easier for me.
So, here is me fulfilling my promise :)





















Comments:

• It clearly reflects my phone usage rule "Don't use phone unless it is necessary".
• Money spent on books is low, but as I am a new fan of reading books, I will consider it as a good sign.
• I was expecting transportation to be much higher.
• Medicine is relatively high because of the surgery I had last month.
• I'd never expected tech-devices to be that much high.
• I'm not surprised to see "others" percentage.
• Of course you can imagine my surprise when I realised that I saved more than 40% of my total income :)